Not a failure....

Tonight instead of reading a few books to you, Athena, I decided to go through the first 100 items of a book called 1001 Things Your Kids Should See and Do (Or Else They'll Never Leave Home). Here are some of things you and I decided we could highlight as done.

1. They need to see that you love them completely. The way they are. (The fact that you feel this way does wonders for my soul)
3. They need to see you light up when they get home from school. Or when you get home from work. (It was beautiful to see you light up with joy as you enthusiastically agreed to this one.)
7. They need to take a nap with their dog. (So you can see how delicious it is to sleep with a warm little body)
9. They  need to trust, at a very early age, that home is safe. ( I have tried so hard to do this and it has cost me much; emotionally, spiritually, mentally and financially but I can see it has been well worth it.)
10. They need to see your face in the crowd at their soccer games and band concerts. Cheering. Not yelling. ( I hope you never get tired of me being your biggest fan)
11. They need to build a birdhouse. ( I've been watching you build stuff for a long time and nothing brings me greater joy than to watch you know are capable of creating.)4
17. They need to develop a sense of adventure. The younger the better. (Me: Athena, do we have adventures? Athena: OMG! Mami so many and since I can remember! DROP THE MIC)
18. They need to be assigned chores. Even if it's just cleaning their room. (Your loud groaning and moaning let's me know we have definitely achieved this one!)
24. They  need to see you reading your Bible. At home. ( You said you saw it all the time but I honestly feel like I could do it way more)
26. They need to know who they are: their full name, address, their mom and dad's full names, and phone number. ( You sang it all to me....anything we put to music you remember. This is so very important to me and always has been. I never want you to lose me or me lose you. This way we can always find our way back to each other.)
28. They need to see you struggle with difficulties. (When I said I know you had seen this I was thinking such deep and profound things and you said, "Oh year, definitely ....traffic!"<--this kid!)
30. They need to listen to a storyteller at the library. (You said, Mami we are professionals at this. I can't begin to tell you how happy this makes me. Life is all about the stories we hear and the stories we tell. For you to know this at 6 makes my chest swell with pride.)
37. They need to go fishing. And learn the mystery of anticipation. (You did that this past summer 2016 with PAPA at Aunt LuAnn's pond and I think it might have just been the highlight of all of our lives. It's like Jehovah knew you were there because not only were you the only one who caught a fish but you caught two back to back. And your joy and excitement was beyond priceless.)
38. They need to hear for themselves that a Monster Truck Show may just be the noisiest thing in the world. ( You started cracking up and said "Oh man, yeah, I need the ear muffs, I was like yeah people I need the earmuffs." You were so little. How the hell could you possibly remember? But you did. And it blows my mind)
41.They need to take care of another living thing. A goldfish is the beginning of responsibility. ( Which is EXACTLY why I don't care how much you complain, you will always feed the dogs, help me bathe them and walk them. You'll thank me later)
48. They need to make a best friend. And be one. (According to you, you have SOOOOO many of those but knowing what I know after all these years you don't know what a best friend is yet, but I will help you learn. I want you to be best friends with all my  best friend's kids. Here's hoping, so far so good.)
49. They need to sit on the roof and get another perspective of their world. (You emphatically said you had done this at Kellen's house. It makes me happy that even though it hasn't always been with me you still have experienced some of these things. Makes me realize you will do and see things all the time without me and I have to start learning that is ok.)
57. They  need to open a Kool-Aid stand. (Again you did this at Kellen's and that is totally fine. But I want to do this with you too. We will.)
63. They need to see you at work. <Right now, they think you just read a newspaper all day.> (You have been to work so many times you could probably teach my class, and I freaking love that. You want to emulate me in every sense of the word.)
69. They need to learn what's flushable. Tissue is. Root beer bottles, dolls, and toy cars are not. ( I think that's pretty self explanatory.)
72. They need to stop eating when they're full. Not when their plate is clean. (Not even joking, you said, "Yeah, it's not like slave days where they would whip you if you didn't finish their plate." UMMMMMM ok well I can tell you're studying black history right now and it's cool, I can dig it."
73. They need to see pictures of themselves when they were babies. (We literally said AT THE EXACT SAME TIME, "Oh my God, YES! And video's too." And then we cracked up. Life is good!)
74. They need to see pictures of you when you were their age. Expect howls of laughter. (You never thought seeing me was funny. You always say, "Awwwww how cute!" I love this!)
87. They need to make cookies. This involved reading, hand-eye coordination, and self-denial when it comes to the cookie dough. (You made sure to remind me that your favorite part of making cookies and just anything in general is to eat the raw form of it....why i ought toooooooo......!)
90. They need to turn off the television. (We don't turn on the television in this house unless it's movie night. I don't even know how to work that damn thing!)
94. They need to clean up a room before they leave it. (I try to make sure you do this as much as possible. This is so important to me as a teacher with 22 students and 15-20 centers. I can't clean up after them all nor would I want to and I can't stand it when people play with you and don't clean up after themselves. So I try to make sure you do this as often as possible.)

Out of 100 things so far this is not so bad. I am so proud of all the things we highlighted. But more than anything I am elated that you have so many fond memories in life and you're only 6. This experience with you opened my eyes to how you see your world. It was so incredibly fascinating for me to hear you say when I read 35. They need to learn life is not all about them., "Mmmmmm mami, I am definitely still working on that." Watching you participate in the meta-cognition of your life, your experiences; the sum of you, was quite honestly, breath-taking. Yes, Athena, I miss the baby you once were more than anything in the world. I miss your chunky thighs and your needy coo's. I miss being the one you relied on for everything in your life. But listening to you tell me what you had seen and done made me realize that with each passing day there is an adventure, a new stage or phase, another fleeting moment that I should step back and appreciate. Hearing you reflect, was for me, a physical manifestation of all the hard work I have done for the past six years of your life. And when I said, "This makes me emotional Athena, it makes me feel like maybe I haven't been such a failure after all." your response was life itself. " Mami, why would you think you're a failure? No way .You're an awesomure!" Then my dear, today, after all of that, you will never hear me repeat those words again, not even as a silly joke. If I am awesomure, it's' only because you helped make me that. I love you panini!

To sum it up.....

Tonight....I finished up all my school work. I felt accomplished in all I had to do in order to be ready for tomorrow.
And yet, as always there was something missing. I felt remiss.. My days feel empty if I don't do something for Athena.
Why is that?
Why is there a part of me that feels unsatisfied if I don't reach out to you Athena?
I feel this tug, this pull, at my soul, my heart strings, when I don't think about you before I lay myself down at night.
Something changes in you, alters you forever when you become a parent.
It doesn't have to be monumental, in the sense that you like discover the cure for cancer for your child or anything.
It can be something so mundane, so trivial, but without it, you are incomplete.  
As a parent I now understand so much, see so much that I didn't before.
I honestly can't grasp, can't comprehend how any parent could go a single day without speaking to their child! Reaching out to their child.....hearing their child...feeling their child...
To sum it up  Athena....I wish I could shield you ...I could protect you from everything I know...I see, I live.
But I can't. I cannot possibly prevent you from feeling all of life's realities...you are a product of my own decisions and for that I am sorry. But I am NOT sorry that we are where we are...
To sum it all up
HERE
WE
ARE
And
Honestly
There
IS
NOWHERE
IN THE
WORLD
I
WOULD
RATHER
BE
THAN
HERE
WITH
YOU

What they don't tell you....

So here is what I CAN tell you;
You are at meet the teacher. You quickly get a bunch of forms together for parents to fill out for this very quick and superficial meeting. You give a spiel whilst everyone violently fills up every blank line on those forms so as to give you all the info you think you need to get to know their kids as much as possible. You take pictures of their children to prepare for the first day and  try to capture what you can to gather any sort of inkling to give you a leg up about these new little people soon to fill the spaces in your room. You partake in very regular, normal, exchanges that first day. You can only gather so much and you can only give so much. Never in that moment can you really understand anything about each other.
Because....
Our stories...
They lie between the lines...
They rest in the spaces we do not see.
Today I called every single parent in my classroom.
I called them because I am a mom. I am a teacher AND  a mom. Not everyone has that amazing and awesome luxury and priveledge. I am blessed. I know this. If I want to know what Athena or how Athena is doing ...all I have to do is walk down a hallway...but my parents, I can just imagine them. Sitting at home, waiting with bated breath to make sure their child wasn't some sort of hellion, some misbehaved distortion of the reality they envisioned. Parents wanting to know if their child was all they thought they could be.
Here is what I can tell you that no one else does...
Parents worry.
Parents want to know you
Parents want to know they can talk to you.
Parents want a connection with you.
Parents have so much they want to tell you.
Sometimes you are the only person a parent can talk to.
And sometimes....
ALL
IT
TAKES
IS
ONE
PHONE
CALL
And that very phone call. Can change you. Both. Forever.
Maybe I have always known how important it was to listen to people and FEEL their ....pain...sorrow...happiness...joy...sadness...whatever it was they were feeling...but after having gone through Rice Storytelling, after hearing my OWN story through Houston Playback Theatre....somehow the importance of that was magnified times 100. Now when people speak, I don't try to rush them, I don't try to go through the motions, I listen. With my ears, my heart and my soul. I absorb their story. Will that make a difference in my students lives? In the lives of their parents? I don't know. But no one tells  you the profound impact it will have on your life.
I'm glad I know.
Screw the generic questionnaires ....I will be personally calling each and every parent for the rest of my teaching career....It's a beautiful thing...stories waiting to be heard....and all one has to do is dial a few numbers.....

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

My precious, beautiful, cantankerous little genius.....

Once upon a time something told me that there was an exceptional beginning inside of me. And that beginning was YOU. And from the moment I knew there was a  new being, new life, new start within me...I did what I could to make sure you loved books. I started reading to you from the MOMENT you were conceived. You know that books, words, stories, they have played such a fundamental role in bringing me to this point, to this place, maybe I shouldn't say brought me...perhaps I should say books brought me BACK to where I have always belonged. So it was only natural that if there was to be an extension of me.....a piece of me that would live on when I no longer could...that this piece could carry on what I thought was so magical about stories...to pass on to everyone they knew and crossed paths with how vital words are to our existence. How they enrich our lives, connect us to people, makes us question, ponder, believe, linger for, imagine, empathize, love, laugh, cry, and I could go on and on, but essentially, what I guess I am trying to say is that books, stories, words....they helped me live and I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to feel what I felt in the midst of a great story that tore me apart from literally EVERYTHING.  NeeNee...there have been books, I kid you not, that I have not done ANYTHING else but read them in  an entire day. I have devoured 1,000+ page books in a day or two. I will seriously reject all other human life form, food intake...personal hygiene...okay okay you're right maybe not all that...but NOTHING takes precedence over a good book (that is, until you have a child) MAN OH MAN....is it ever HARD to read with a small child....today I set the timer on your iPad and grabbed a book after I had ran a bath for myself, lit some candles, all that jazz...I said, " Athena when the buzzer goes off you can join me in the bath..." I set the timer for 15 minutes...enough to read at least 2-3 chapters in one of the books I was working on currently...1.5 minutes later you come strolling into my bathroom, having to pee, poop, contemplate the intricacies of the universe, talk about string theory....absolutely anything you could think of to just be in the same room with me. I just wanted a few minutes of silence to curl up to a delicious story. But YOU....you weren't having it. I said, "Athena, grown ups need to have at least a little alone time, just like I give you when you need it, otherwise they might go crazy and call Viola Swamp...." To which you responded, " Ugh, can I just poop? Anyways, I am talking to myself, not you. And AND FINE! I'll whisper!" How is this all connected to books? I will tell you how....you are 3 flippin years old ...talking to me like you were fifteen...that wouldn't be the case..had I not read to you from day one...and I literally mean day ONE...and kept that up to this day. They way you speak, express yourself, it's not normal ..or maybe it is and just not enough people know how powerful it is to pass on the love of words to your child. I have always kept you surrounded by books, you have seen me read, to you and to myself for sheer pleasure, to educate myself, to figure something out, to personalize an experience, you have seen me rustle through a dictionary when I didn't know a word and jot down in the margins of a book what a certain word meant, so that when I danced again with that book I wouldn't have to pause for formalities, we'd be old friends. I have witnessed you emulate all that I felt was important about books and our own personal story. I can't begin to attempt to find the words to express how moved I am for what I see has been absorbed into your mind and heart. I will tell you more about that another time ...this is where I want to end tonight. Look below for some pictures of how you are always surrounded by books....
I love you my darling..
Always
And
Forever...

This is roughly accurate to the number of books we check out each time we go to the library.

Books...on top of the kitchen counter...Ay Dio Mio!

Kitchen Bookshelf

Mami's Library

Isn't it beautiful...?

Your library! Even more beautiful

Creative Writing Camp

I had the amazing honor and pleasure of being a part of Rice University's SLC's Year Long Storytelling Project--this familiar place where I was nudged, gently reminded why I am a teacher. Especially. An. Early. Childhood. Teacher. I got to expose children to the power of words and how expressing these words, THEIR words, made them such powerful little people. They got to live everyday in my classroom knowing that words and ideas have this very tangible magic to bring people together, to unite them in a way that nothing else can. I saw children hover over my story taking clipboard, waiting with bated breath to see if they had made it into their friend's story. And I get emotional just thinking about the "Yessssss!!" fist pumping that would ensue when their name was in fact chosen to take part in dramatizing their classmates words. I promise you nothing in the world is more fulfilling and rewarding than witnessing the excitement of storytelling. The buzz that it all created in my classroom. The community that came to life right before my very eyes with words of love, praise, encouragement and understanding that all came about because of storytelling. And through this project I became a part of E.L.L.A --this was the SLC first ever cohort funded by Phillips 66 short for Early Literacy Leadership Academy. I will definitely write you more about that later, but for now know that because of both of these things and because I like to surround myself people who will make me better I was able to participate in Creative Writing Camp. This is a collaboration between Writer's in The School and Rice S.L.C. Athena....it is a dream. THIS is what school SHOULD be. THIS is how children should get introduced to books, reading and words. It should be an experience that involves their whole being and one that the teacher enjoys as much as the children. I just wanted you to know that it is all for you. I will show you more than I can tell you, but FOR NOW  this I can tell you because it is what I know....Stories, words, ideas turned into unforgettable moments, sentences, phrases that move you, impact your life ....your soul... THAT ,my dear, is what life is all about. Everyone has a story that someone wants to hear, needs to hear, wouldn't be the same without hearing. I am here telling you my story because this is exactly what I need to be saying, and telling it to exactly who needs to be hearing it. And I can only pray and wish and hope with every pore of my being that I am lucky enough to not just know and hear your story but be a part of it.

Too long...

Once upon a time a girl started to write, to write until her fingers could bear no more. She lived for the moments when she could lose herself in this delicious world of words and get in touch with a part of herself that no one else seemed to be able to get to. This girl would linger for the touch of the keys beneath her fingertips, the feel of a pen held tight between those three strong fingers which so adequately told the story of her life, the smell of the ink running from the pen. But somehow, somewhere, something happened which kept her from this destiny, from this place she called home. Something pulled her away from the only solace she knew. And yet no matter how far she pulled when she sprung back, she would do so with such fervor it brought chills to everyone she knew. She was infused with the spirit of writer who did so with such fluidity and facility that everyone would tell he she needed to never stop. Maybe that is why she was always somehow always pulled back into the world of words, maybe that's why when it had been too long her fingers seemed to take control to help her let it all go, maybe when it had been too long her soul just knew it was time for her to pour forth what her heart needed to say, maybe when it had been too long the Universe aligned itself to help the world hear her voice, her words, her story.
When it's been too long,
The Silence
Must STOP
Must be B     R   OOO   K   EEEEE NNNNN
When it's been too long
Too long
Listen

Change....

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown."
                         -George Shinn-
My dearest Athena!
It has been like seventeen million years since I last wrote you and I feel compelled to sit here and share a few thoughts with you. You are 11 months and your first birthday fast approaches. So many things have changed and change in my opinion is a wonderful yet scary, scary thing. So your father and I are no longer together and you and I have our own huge, wonderful home together. It has been an interesting experience traveling through life's misadventures with you at my side. Sometimes it is overwhelming but with every passing day it gets easier. However, very soon mami is going to be burning the candle at both ends unlike I've never done before.
I have a job working as the resident coordinator for the two properties that our apartment management company oversees. So I have to coordinate so many thing for over 550 tenants. On top of that I start a new job next week going back to my server days. The only reason for that is because I start baking and pastry school at the end of August and restaurants are usually the most flexible with school. When I start thinking about it all I get emotional because I know that for the next four months you and I won't get to spend as much time together as I'd like. After spending every minute with you for the first 10 months of your life having to not only put you in daycare but spend so much time away from you really kills me. I never thought it would affect me the way it has. I really wish that things would've turned out differently, that I could've stayed with you forever but alas, we are where we are and that's okay. I will make sure to work my fingers to the bone in order to provide for you and give you everything you need and deserve. I cannot depend on anyone but myself in order to make that happen. And I know that we'll get to the point where I can be with you all day again and be your teacher and everything else you need me to be.
Very soon my beautiful, gorgeous goddess an incredible amount of things are going to change and I embrace it all with open arms. I can't wait to see how we will overcome all obstacles and challenges that we are faced with. With Jehovah and each other at our sides we can do it ALL! I love you!